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I just got back from a family cruise vacation that included not only my family but about 30 friends! I know it was supposed to be a wonderful, relaxing vacation, but I now need a vacation from my vacation! Putting 37 people on a cruise, with 11 adult children 21 through 30, another 7 young men 18 year old who thought they were 21, and 2 younger men aged 15 and 16 years old and the rest being parents of this wonderful crew, was probably anything but relaxing. I felt like I was on Spring break and just watched our children carry on in a way I never needed to witness! Have you ever experienced this? I don't think I was prepared.
All in all, it turned out to be a fun vacation but not without a number of parenting moments probably none of which did we successfully traverse. I'm finding that the age 18 is really difficult, particularly in the male form. 18 year old young men think they are grown men and that they no longer need to listen to parental figures. They have this illusion that they are invincible, all knowing and certainly above reproof. Punishment seems foolish when they will be going away to school, making their own decisions about everything and are of the legal age. However, is it not true that we are still paying the bills? Doesn't that mean we have some say in what they do?
The years 18 through 21 are scary for the parents of young men. Their brains are not as developed as their bodies and they are without good judgment. Because they feel invincible, they don't believe things will go wrong for them so they take too many risks. That's why you find so many young men who have been arrested or incarcerated. Often they find themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time making very poor decisions because of their lack of judgment.
Our job as parents is to help teach our children to think before they act. Young people 18 to 21, male or female, often find themselves living in the moment. They don't think of consequences or what will come as a result of their poor decisions. Kids just want to have fun! And you know we want them to have fun too! We just get scared when risk is involved.
I'm not a big fan of punishment for 18 to 21 year olds. It seems foolish to place punishment on young adults. And after all, everyone make mistakes. Isn't a fact that we all learn from mistakes? That is how we learn and grow. Unfortunately, between the ages of 18 and 21, our kids are experimenting with alcohol, drugs and sex, all of which have far reaching consequences for mistakes.
That is why communication is so important during this age. Parents must keep communication open with their young adults. This is no easy task because this is the time when they keep much to themselves and often are oppositional to anything you say. This is when it is most important for you to keep calm, relaxed and respectful even in the face of their disrespect and often upheaval. This is when you must focus on remaining calm.
When you are ready to scream unkind words, or to push your child into the wall, or raise your hand to your child, step out of the room and take slow deep breaths. Harsh words will not make you feel better. Pushing him or her into the wall will only hurt you because you do not want to hurt your child. Raising your hand to your child will only let you feel small and will have no positive results on your child. Your child will only see you as mean, violent and out of control.
When your child has gotten you to the point of feeling out of control, you must step away. Tell your child you need some time to think. Let them know you are upset and you need time. Then step away from the situation and breathe, slow, very deep breaths. In and out. Slow and deep. In and out. Clear your head of all thoughts and concentrate on breathing. Allow your body to relax and your mind to clear. Escape into the creativity of your own mind. Each time you exhale, release the stress and tension. Refresh your body with each inhalation and release all the negativity with each exhalation. Relax, clear your mind and release the anger and frustration.
When you feel like you can think clearly again, think about whatever situation has got you upset with your young adult. Keep breathing deeply and slowly as you ponder the challenge. When you are ready, call your child in for a discussion. Be calm, respectful and clear on what is acceptable to you. If you are able, allow your child to express his or her point of view. Remain respectful whether or not you agree and be firm about what is acceptable to you. You are still the parent. You have a right to have rules and expectations. If they want to be considered adults, then they should be held up to expectations for adults. Just remember, we all make mistakes. Make those mistakes discussions and teachable moments. If you can remain calm, respectful and open to communication, your child will get through this difficult stage successfully and so will you!
Madelynan Doyle is a licensed Counselor who has been working in New York City since 1981. Ms. Doyle can always find a positive spin on life lessons. Ms. Doyle is solution oriented. There are no "problems" only challenges which offers opportunity for growth, Ms. Doyle enjoys helping people find their own power and create their own destinies and welcomes you to her website inviting you to join in her E-Counseling and Personal Growth community. For more personal development go to http://www.YourExcellenceWithin.org.
How To Deal With The Death Of Your Child
Losing a child is one of life's biggest tragedies. All that promise, all those hopes, all those possibilities for a bright and successful future disappear in an instant. Whether you've lost a young child or a young adult child, the feeling of loss cuts deep. We are simply not programmed to deal with the death of a child. We accept the loss of parents and grandparents as inevitable. But losing a child, that's never something we expect to deal with.
We bring children into the world with great hopes for their future. We imbue them with all kinds of possibilities, like education, marriage and career success. We look forward to these events as a series of experiences we will celebrate and enjoy. Never are we prepared to have our child taken away by some brutal accident, war, murder or suicide. None of these enter our mind until something tragic actually happens.
When confronted with this type of loss, we are shaken to our very core. The experience of losing a child unnerves us. All of a sudden the world we thought we knew is no longer safe. Our remaining children are not safe. We collapse into a puddle of nerves and tears.
What does it take to get over losing a child? A lot of investigation into our own nature and behavior seems to come up right away. Why did this happen? What could I have done differently? How did I fail? Should I have said No when asked for the car keys on that fateful night? The questions, guilt and remorse come at us fast and furious.
I am the father of two daughters. Thankfully, I've never lost a child in the manner described above. During my practice years I helped a lot of parents come to terms with such a loss. Oftentimes I cried with them. I could feel their despair and anguish. Car accidents, suicide, murder, disease and freak occurrences were all part of the mix. One boxing day, in the late 90s, my wife and I witnessed a 14 year old boy being run down by a car. He was killed instantly. We were shaken. We were scared. Our thoughts immediately ran to our own daughters. Where were they? Were they safe? And so on.
We stayed at the scene and provided statements to the investigating police. We remained badly shaken. We just couldn't believe what our eyes had shown us. We actually saw a young life snuffed out in an instant. At one moment we saw this boy crossing the street, heading for a bus stop. Seconds later he was lying on the ground in a crumpled lifeless heap. His life had been taken away by a series of freakish circumstances.
One year later my wife and I were in court testifying as to what we had witnessed. We learned that the victim was an Iranian boy whose family had come to North America to escape the tyrannical rule of their home country. His parents and extended family exhibited all the signs of a recent trauma. They were still locked in their grief as if the incident had just happened. The woman driver, responsible for the accident, was being prosecuted for dangerous driving. She was a virtual mess and was heavily medicated. Every time someone testified as to her behavior and the boy's death, she noticeably flinched. The boy's family wanted answers, and perhaps some retribution. There were no winners here.
On another occasion I was asked to address a meeting of "Compassionate Friends", a support group fro grieving parents. As each member of the group recounted their story I began to see the range of experiences which had brought them all together. Their children had died by the variety of circumstances listed above, including suicide, the most difficult of all. These parents were at different stages in their grieving process. Some were almost healed, while others were still stuck back in the moment they first heard the news. It was sad to watch because I knew that with some prodding, encouragement and support they all could be much further along.
I did what I could in addressing their loss. And I urged them to engage in a proper recovery program. Support groups are just that, they offer support but no direction. These parents were simply recycling their pain and not moving forward with their recovery. A few of them came to see me afterward and we put them through our recovery program. Everyone that took this path recovered.
In the end it doesn't matter what took your child from you; the grieving and healing process you must undergo remains the same. Dealing with feelings through therapy, group work and guided journaling are the tools and practices necessary for recovery. I successfully used this approach for all my grieving clients. Everyone who pursued this program completed their recovery and got on with their lives.
Lately I've met people who are still stuck in their grieving experience. Their child may have died years ago but, for them, it may as well have been yesterday. They have not gained an inch. There is no substitute for working through your grief if you truly want to heal. Some people simply refuse to move forward, hanging on to their grief as if they were hanging on to their child. They don't accept that they can actually heal and hold on to that precious child in a loving and expansive way rather than continue with their suffering.
You have to choose healing in order to recover from grieving a child You have to commit to your own recovery just like any other person who is stuck in some disabling condition. Imagine for a moment you are the deceased child looking down at your parents and siblings. What would you want for them? Healing or Suffering? And those wonderful memories you had of each other before the tragedy, where do they go if you choose suffering? When you die, do you want your loved ones to remain in a state of perpetual grief? Likely not! Good then, you know what you have to do.
About the Author
Maurice Turmel holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology. He was a practicing therapist for nearly 25 years providing counseling and therapy to individuals, groups, organizations and families. He is the author of "The Voice - A Metaphor for Personal Development"; "Mythical Times - Exploring Life, Love & Purpose"; and "How to Cope with Grief and Loss - Support, Guidance and Direction for Your Healing Journey". He has been a guest on numerous National and Regional television and radio talk shows and has hosted his own shows at BlogTalkRadio.com, WebTalkRadio.net, AchieveRadio.com and BBS Radio.
http://ascensiontrainingcentre.com/component/content/article/231
Does Social Security issue back payments for Disabled Adult Child benefits?
Hi guys. I have received back payments from Social Secuity for SSID and SSI benefits.. I also receive a montly amount for being a Disabiled Adult Child.. Should I receive another back payment for my third benefit?
It depends on the record from which you receive the Childhood Disability Benefit (CDB). Social Security has not called it Disabled Adult Child (DAC) benefits for a long time. Where did you hear that term?
Anyway, if you receive the benefit from a parent who is retired or deceased, you can be paid up to 6 months back pay. If you receive it from a parent who is getting disability, you can receive up to 1 year of back pay.
The date you file the application is material and it depends on when the parent filed the application. If the parent listed you as a disabled child on their application, you are protected as if you filed your application on the same date. If your parent did not list you on their application, then they go by the date you actually filed your application.
Are you and your adult child both looking for work?
Parents, are you and your adult child both looking for a job at the same time? Was it due to the economy that you're in this situation? If this is the case and you both live in the tri-state area, e-mail us your story. United States - Children Youth and Family - Home - Family - Child Support
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